It's not that I don't wanna be happy.

It's a despite, how hard I try.

I can't bring myself to be happy.

I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed.

Why do I have to be this way?

I have a great family, amazing friends, good acedemic results, on paper everything is okay.

Yet all i ever seem to see is sadness and grey.

It's like there's this burden on me, pulling me to the ground, and however hard you try you can't bring myself out.

I can't bring myself to care about anything. not me, not him, not her.

Living has become The constant nightmare.

And it's just not fair. Society will tell me to try yoga, go for a walk, listed to medication.

I tell them that this can't be solved by exercise or medication.

It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life, my work, my relationship, my education.

And to this day despite my best efforts to explain, I am always met with blind  hesitation.

People always ask me "Why are you so sad?" I tell them i don't know...

I don't know..

What i do know is that i wake up everyday feeling like absolute s h i t and that's because of everyone.

 I'm afraid of the world, I am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that i will be judged for something i cannot control.

Where's the fairness of it all?

Do you think i like to watch myself fall? Into this hole of self hate, shame, and loathe.

So i hide then and i put up a wall , That's so high, you will never see my pain or any flaws.

I create this character and she is perfect, she's invincible.

And so i carry on, live these two lives, one for the public and one for me late at night.

Cause that's easier than admitting you have a problem and that's the problem.